Ours was never perfect. We were annoyed with one another frequently, we offended each other with our duplicate ferocious personalities but as years went by, I found myself slowly becoming more like Mama in more ways than one. Mama was severely protective of our family, I was fiercely protective of her.
February 18, Mama's 3rd day at the hospital. I spoke to her lead doctor and there she broke the news. Her liver cirrhosis, which was diagnosed in 2016, was on its end stage. To top it off, several lumps have been detected on her liver, the biggest one to be 11cm. I was in disbelief, I broke into tears. I didn't know how to face her or what to tell her. My siblings and I agreed to conceal the truth from her and to move back to her house to look after her and take care of her.
A week and a half later, we took her to the hospital again. A procedure to drain fluids out of her stomach so she could breathe better was scheduled but could not be done. There was not much water inside. We decided it was time for her to know the truth. My heart was crushed seeing how she tried to be brave as she took the news. The following day, I wheeled her to the chapel and my sister and I prayed with her. I tried to bargain with the Lord. I wasnt ready to surrender her yet. Every night that I slept beside her, I lay awake watching her breathe. Everytime I fell asleep, I'd jolt right back up when I hear her move. Even as she scolded me to go back to sleep, I couldnt and I would just sit beside her ready to wait on her for whatever she needed. On days I could try to squeeze in a bit of workout, she'd tell me off for exhausting myself and I'd jokingly tell her that I needed to exercise so I can lift her because nobody else could.
March 22, my siblings and I surrendered her to the Lord. We told her she can rest and that we were thankful that she gave all that she could for us. In her room, we held her hand and took turns kissing her forehead, telling her how much we love her. There are no words to describe how it felt to watch your parent die. How excruciating it was to watch her breathing decline. How painful it was to let her go. I don't know how I will recover from the last scenes in my head of how they covered her body as they took her to the morgue. As a child, my greatest fear was to lose my parents. And there I was, losing the last parent I had.
The first time I came back to her room, it was exactly how it was when we left it the morning of March 22nd. Her recliner, her medicines, the smell of efficascent oil, her oxygen tank. I thought I would lose my mind. I cradled her Nazarene hanky, the blanket she used the night before, and I just broke down and questioned why it had to be her. Why did it have to be my mom?
Mama was one of the bravest people I have ever met. And I say this not just because she is my mother but because she had shown me courage in every way. She taught me to be generous and kindhearted to those in need. She also taught me to be strong amidst trials and to be resilient despite challenges. She gave a piece of herself not just to us but to anyone who needed it. Regardless if she was left with nothing or if those people betrayed her, she would still give nonetheless.
My daughter frequently says that Mama always gives me anything I want. In every way and any way that she can, she gave me everything she had. Her love is what sustained me, her absence is what cripples me. I love you so much, Mama. Please tell me how to go on.
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